Romeo and Fooliet

    I think at one point or another everyone has had a night terror/nightmare. My Mom has them frequently. Not just the type of dream that you have in your sleep and its done, but the kind that you act out in your sleep. She had this dream one night that her and my Dad wanted to end their lives, so they took a poison to commit suicide. In this dream the poison ended up working on my Dad but not on my Mom. She reaches over to touch him and he is cold and clammy (now mind you, at this point she is acting her dream out). She starts to get frantic and shakes him a bit to try and wake him up, nothing happens. She shakes him a little harder and still nothing, she then realizes that the poison has taken hold of his life. Dream reality sets in her mind and she begins to weep and throws her body over my Dad's yelling, "NO! NO! He's dead! He's dead!"
    She then sits up crying, still yelling in agony and begins to slam her hands on his back as hard as she could. Yelling all the while, "Oh my God, he's dead! I can't believe he's dead!"
    My Dad picks up his head and says to her in irritation, "I'm not dead! It's called sleep!"

Diarrhea, Throw up, and a dog

When kids are little they have those explosive “accidents” that diapers can’t contain. Everyone knows what I am talking about, where the poop leaks out either on the top or the bottom of the diaper.

My brother was probably two when this happened:

He toddles around the corner with a “full load,” the diaper at max capacity, a small trail of diarrhea inching its way down his leg. My sister, 4, freaks out and yells out, “MOM, Albie’s leaking!!” Before my Mom could turn around my sister catches a whiff, and her having a weak stomach (even to this day) starts the gag reflex. My Mom goes to take care of my brother, when my sister’s gagging becomes reality and vomits all over my Grandfather’s poodle. My Aunt Tina grabs the dog to take him outside, walks right by my Aunt Pam, who also catches the smell of vomit and diarrhea and runs to a window, throws her head and loses her lunch.

With a stream of diarrhea running down his leg, a vomiting sister, a messy dog, a sick Aunt, and a dirty window, my brother smirked as if he knew what he had caused. 

Thanks! Here's some deodorant!

    When I was younger I used to cat sit my neighbor's 12 cats. That was not a typo they had TWELVE cats! So, every time they would go out of town I would go in, feed them and clean out the world's grossest cat liter box. When they would return they would give me a present or some cash. After a weekend of watching their cats, we get a knock at the door and it was my neighbors giving me my souvenir. I open the bag and there were 5 sticks of deodorant. Now, normal people would be highly offended by such a gift, not my family. When I brought the bag in to show my parents we were in fact over joyed by this practical and thoughtful gift  (which we already own and use on a daily basis). I handed one out to each person as we laughed and exchanged for the "flavors" we liked.

My sister yells out, "I want two!"

Bert, my brother, laughs and says, "you can't have two there are five of us and five sticks!"

    We hear another knock on the door, I run to open it and it was our neighbors with another bag in their hand, "Oh my gosh, I think we gave you the wrong bag! This is your gift and I believe we gave you our deodorant!"

"Oh, yeah we do have the deodorant." I say disappointed.

 I close the door and whisper back to the family, "they gave us the wrong bag, we have to give the deodorant back."

Their faces drop as they hand over the deodorant. I open the door return the bag and begrudgingly receive my correct gift, a stupid wooden cat face. I want the deodorant back.